Wednesday, May 5, 2010

To Be Randall

I feel like a total bum. As a lot of people you start with good intentions... writing more, doing something more constructive, a project... but we all know that hell was paved with those good intentions.

I spend the majority of time away from work playing inane games on the computer or reading about the inane things other people do or watching far too much inane television. It's not as if I am watching anything worthwhile or informative. I am ashamed to admit I watch more "reality" TV than I should.

I am truly ashamed of myself. I do think some of these shows are informative. I have learned a lot about drag, show-womanship, presentation and how helpful duct tape & a hot glue gun can be from RuPaul's Drag Race. I feel that is a cultural show. I have a better understanding of the culture of drag, or at least the TV version of how to be the top one in the field.

I do not feel I learn anything from any of the housewives, househusbands, bratty rich kids famous for no reason shows. Are my guilty pleasure? I can't say they are a pleasure. I feel they are mind numbing. I have talked to multiple people in the field who say after a day chocked full of psychology & counseling they like to do things to unwind.

While unwinding is one thing I think that the rut I have gotten myself into is making me dumber. Sure, I am up on pop culture, but this doesn't even relate to my clients who do not have cable and only a handful really pay attention to current events past sports, let alone know what the date is.

But I am getting off topic. The topic was how I was suppose to find things to rant about and keep up the writing. I even bought some books that are collecting dust next to my bed. And yes they are not literature, but one is a Pulitzer prize winning book. I guess I though by my late 30s I would have a room full of books instead of just a shelf full.

Maybe it is a mid life crisis or pushing ever closer to 40 or getting into contact with more and more people I haven't talked to since high school on the social networking sites that are taking up far too much of all of our time these days. But I have been thinking about how I am different from who I was in high school. I try to think that I am far from the shy, introverted girl of my youth. I try to think that my core values are the same. I try to think that I am a better version of myself. But I am not sure.

Some people I have emailed after 10-20 years have mentioned my writing and the short lived 'zine. The other day someone mentioned my comic strip. Those things were what spurred me to create another blog to start anew, fresh from my last one which was focused on my experiences a a single evolving chick. Yet this one has been mostly the same - bitching and moaning about those around me. It is time for me to be more critical of myself.

Perhaps that is my problem. I have been quite critical of myself lately. We all have things about ourselves that we know we need to work on but laziness takes precedence. I am actually a very lazy person. Those at work would not believe that because that is where I am the most organized, the most ambitious. Yet it is ambition to nowhere. The position goes no further. I am already one of the best at my gig, but that doesn't say much when most are in it for eight and then hit the gate. I have the admiration of my supervisor who thinks I do no wrong, yet he is just now learning what all the job entails.

Man do I go off topic. But I still love the stream of consciousness writing. It can lead you anywhere. So the point is I am lazy and I am upset with myself for not doing more. I just like to blather on. It is what I do. So as one of my favorite characters would say "Shit or get off the pot." Okay, Randall was not the first to say that, but he was wise. Dante was all about the bitching and moaning while getting nothing accomplished. I am Dante, but I strive to be Randall.

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